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My GK Book !!!! Emperor guide my mind body and soul

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Post by Inquisitor Lord Wed Nov 19, 2008 7:29 pm

I have decided to write a book and hope to have it published one day has i have now sorted my personnel life things out
i will post the first chapter up soon brothers Pleas keep all comments on this serious and i hope i can do all Gk fans across the world just
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Post by Klomster Wed Nov 19, 2008 8:03 pm

Cool, i hope you take your time, come up with a cool story, takes some more time, focuses on quality.

And voila, it should become awesome!

I give you a good luck on your new project!
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Post by Constantine Wed Nov 19, 2008 10:54 pm

Best of luck IL, I will definatly offer up constructive critism.
Oh yes, before I forget. You have my permission to include the legendary exploits of Justicar Constantine in your novel Razz

I am excited to read chapter one!!!!!!!!! cheers
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Post by Zealadin Thu Nov 20, 2008 12:05 am

Nice stuff!
Just remember to add a copyright statement at the bottom of each post, just for future reference when you publish it, so some jerk doesn't try and steal your hard work!!!
(Just did a copyright unit at TAFE, and theft on the nets a pretty big issue) Not that I think any of our brothers would do it, more worried about other less trustworthy xenos scum.
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Post by SIRSEAN Thu Nov 20, 2008 7:26 am

I hope Sir Sean and the Grail Knights (BBF of the Grey Knights) have at least a cameo...
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Post by Klomster Thu Nov 20, 2008 10:45 am

I would be honored if your main character spoke to or heard about the task force of grand master Castus, if you wan't to, i will give you some bio and personality of the Justicars and the inquistorial personell!

(Although you should come up with something awesome yourself)
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Post by Inquisitor Lord Thu Nov 20, 2008 12:19 pm

well im always open to ideas brothers and plz post in this section if you have any
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Post by Inquisitor Lord Thu Nov 20, 2008 12:33 pm

OK brothers I could not wait to show you the compleat first chapter so here is a small taster of some of the work so far this is writen in A5 on my pc so looks a bit funny with lay out of the site and may be a bit harder to read, sorry in advance brothers.

This work (all contents)and all part there of lay out names any thing is only to be used by me and no one else and may not be alterd or refrenced to unless my concent is given
-Signed R Levy


The Story so far no title yet I hope you enjoy this small taster.

The Story


As the three moons rose Soullarus stood looking at the tall gothic buildings, while on the streets people and androids bustle doing their day to day tasks in his good name. He'd turned up here by appointment; for a message was given to the leader of his tribe. He had been selected to become one of mans finest warriors, but even through the noise and the thoughts of the oncoming task on his mind, Soullarus didn’t even sweat or smile not even grimace at the tasks that lay before him. For he knew that if the great one wills it, he will one day be one of the great protectors of men, he had been told story’s of as a child. To become one of the finest, a Grey Knight.

Soullarus was confused within the crowd, for he was from was a thick jungle world. Hot and humid, where the sweat of his brow would evaporate without any notice and the cold breeze would cool his face when he reached any clearings. His senses were alive, like a hunter with all the smells of burnt oil and the noise of man and machine. He closed his eyes for a few moments and thought of his father. The moments when he took him on his first hunt, for the planet he was from was not only known for its thick jungle, but for its high level of Predators that walked the planet. He remembered the time of his first kill.

“No son like this."
“Yes father.”
Soullarus was young a small boy letting his father adjust his grip on the long weapon before throwing it like a speeding arrow from a bow straight through the animals head.
“Good son that is a fine arm you have it will serve you well.”
“I hope it will be has fine as yours father.”
“I’m sure it will be now let us see you kill and remember you have taken a life and must thank to the Forrest for its courage and strength.”
The two figures headed towards the large animal, it was two times the size of the small boy with long teeth a horn with brown skin and a thick body.
“Now son you must carry the weight of the dead back as atonement for the killing and a thanks to the Forrest.”
“Yes father.”

Even as a boy he crawled under the base of the animal and with shaking legs stood up right having to carry the weight of his kill on his own. That was the way of this tribe to make the children grow to warriors, to provide but mainly to survive on the dangerous world of Takcron. He opened his eyes and focused, a data slate with a schematic shining at him of the city guiding him through the maze of men and machines in his hand. As he walked he could feel a pressure at the back of his head, his hunter like training telling him warning him that eyes were upon him, staring at him like one of the predators that had not eaten for days and, as if its energy was pushing through the crowd and letting soullarus know that he was being watched. But then a small voice came to Soullarus his eyes focused on a small half human half robot figure and through its small voice box hung round its neck.
“Follow me please sir”
A hand pointing in a direction connected to a long and metal arm with small servos pulling it straight and steady and started to move that same way. Soullarus looked a bit surprised at this small creature and stepped back realizing to him it was no threat and thought if the creature did attack that he would have leapt in the air behind and ripped this strange creatures head off before it had a chance to raise a arm, he nodded in acknowledgement and followed. Buildings passed by tall reaching for the sky, the spires gothic and old, piercing the moons above. The servitor was heading towards two large doors in the distance, small servos helping it along the cobbled roads but not the most grace full of movements unlike Soullarus who’s cat like prows gave him a almost gliding affect each step with purpose, but almost loaded for a explosion of power and speed that almost matched one of the legendary space marines he had heard so many stories of. Soullarus was very tall not much shorter than a space marine standing 8 feet tall and could see over the top of all the things around him and his shoulders were broad, again much larger and nearly two withes of a normal mans veins pumping in his arms were easily seen but even though his large presence he had a sleek look about him and very grace full movement Soullarus stopped at the two great doors large ‘I’ symbols on each in gold and brass inlaid on the wooden doors, Soullarus looked at these strange I symbols and remembered seeing the same thing on a red circular stamp on the message he was given before being brought to this world but even though he was far from his world he found himself at ease almost homely. He glared looking the mighty doors up and down looking very closely at them and started walking towards the dim light in side he passed by them still taking in all the details on the doors then his vision shifted and was greeted by large columns tall and thick each baring a champion of the emperor and inquisitors of old. Soullarus stood for a moment and stared at these men in absolute aw. He looked and flexed his muscles in his arm and felt almost like a child, as the size and power they portrayed made him almost obsolete in their presence, who are these mighty looking warriors he thought and grit his teeth keeping his head high full of pride trying not to notice the figures that gazed at him larger than life. And strode towards a much smaller door the servitor clicked
“Please follow” in a small quite voice pointing thru the door
As he peered through Soullarus could see it was a dark old section of the building not clean and grand has the hall he were just presented with. And Soullarus noticed the curve in the wall and the beginning of some steps down. He strained his eyes waiting for them to adjust to the dim light, and he could here sparks and machines working but did not know what these strange noises were some were the same has the great city above others new , and the scent of incenses not oil like the rest of the city. He turned his eyes towards the servitor that was looking at him still pointing in the direction emotionless and still, its long robes and grey skin pale with no reflection from the light around and Soullarus bowed to the creature and touched it on the shoulder he was surprised that it did not do anything and bowed again and touched it on the shoulder once more this was the custom on his planet and how his people greeted and thanked, he snarled at the cold black eyes in disgust at this small thing that did not even move or acknowledge him back. His head then turned towards the light blanking the ignorant thing that did not greet him back and he started to follow the steps down. As he walked there were new sights and sounds and he noticed some servitors working on something but these were not the same has the one that guided him here the still had the arms and the old grey skin but there were more parts to them more wires and they were working on something, the energies crackling of it in a faint blue light you realize that it is a weapon of some sort like the ones the guards’ had that came to your village soullarus gazed for a while at these strange creatures working in silence only the noise of the job in hand Soullarus thought to himself about this new world he has come to and what other secrets it has to hide and on that very thought he proceeded to walk further down the spiralling steps. As it grew darker and darker and the boots from his home world were clanking against the adamantum steps Soullarus started to struggle to see thru the dim light and started to put a hand out to the sides As he got further on he could see a figure of a man , tall and broad clad in some polished silver armour with scribes and seals all over it and was standing much larger than he. Soullarus started picking out details in the dim light and noticed the gun mounted on the figures left arm the large staff with a glowing blade on his back and the blue optics of the helmet and a large red and white seal on a small shield on the figures left shoulder
“Halt”
“Inquisitor the subject has just arrived requesting further instructions “
Soullarus strained his ears and could hear a faint voice from the vox inside the helmet of the giant man in front of him
“proceed through the main door” at that point the figure in almost a military like fashion moved to the side to allow Soullarus through the door he took a deep breath and nodded in agreement soullarus was feeling curious at this point and for the first time in his life since he was a child he felt nervous or could he dare even think it afraid he rubbed his fingers to feel his palm of his right hand and noticed they were clammy but at the same time he tried not to stare at the giant that just let him through the small door. Soullarus was now wondering if this figure was a man he had heard all the story’s about has a child but thought to himself he dare not ask .
Inquisitor lockren was watching this new man almost savage with his long dark hair and very sharp features his eyes were sunk under heavy brows and a square jaw and his head was mounted on a thick neck. Lockren moved away from the monitor and gestured to a servo skull to come over
“Proceed with operation beta 12, and do not harm him even if he shows aggression, we do not wish to hurt our new guest“
And with that note of words the servo skulls thrusters fired and it hovered out of the room lockren turned back to the monitor and smiled at this figure whose look of amazement was almost amusing has it walked down the stone corridor and saw the servo skull he sent come into view on the screen. lockren stood up straight he was a tall figure himself but was much older and battle worn he had a large book in one hand with a flowing red rob and golden armour which was typical of the inquisition but was well maintained even for a veteran of Lockrens standards on his right side there was a very ornate sword which he now rested his hand on and proceeded himself out the room
“Make sure the team is ready I want this to run smooth”
Voxed lockren a voice replied back
“Yes inquisitor”
Lockren was focused and stern and was favoured by the Ordo for recruitment


Last edited by Inquisitor Lord on Wed Jun 29, 2011 4:00 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Post by Klomster Thu Nov 20, 2008 3:41 pm

Hmmm, sounds interesting, you could try to do less spelling misses (even though you are going to correct them, the job will take less time if you don't have to correct something in almost every sentence)

And then, grey knights, this man should not know anything about them, no one does, not even all ordo malleus inquisitors do.

He could have heard legends of the emperors angels (normal marines) and wonder if this figure in silver armour is one of them (which he sort of does, it's just the beginning that bothers me, as he seems to know he will become a grey knight)

Overall, i think i like it, perhaps you could have some more descriptions but otherwise it's good.
I had a bit of trouble visualising how the city looked, how many people was on the streets, how they looked.

And how the strange weapon looked, was it barrel or log shaped, or perhaps it was with some kind of light from within!

Keep working.
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Post by Inquisitor Lord Thu Nov 20, 2008 3:48 pm

all points noted and will be looked upon brother
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Post by Zealadin Sat Nov 22, 2008 12:49 am

I'd suggest a little time fixing up the sentences and paragraphs and grammar.
Some of the sentences read too long, and some punctuation would probably fix the problems and make the reading alot more comfortable.

Aside from that seems great so far!

Also if this guy is from the warrior tribes, it is possible that they are frequented by the grey knight recruiters who chose warriors who are then forged into GK (when they succeed:P), hence the story as a child, altho I'd be more vague on the details
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Post by Inquisitor Lord Sat Nov 22, 2008 3:45 am

Zealadin wrote:I'd suggest a little time fixing up the sentences and paragraphs and grammar.
Some of the sentences read too long, and some punctuation would probably fix the problems and make the reading alot more comfortable.

pleas read the fist post brother


Zealadin wrote:Aside from that seems great so far!

Also if this guy is from the warrior tribes, it is possible that they are frequented by the grey knight recruiters who chose warriors who are then forged into GK (when they succeed:P), hence the story as a child, altho I'd be more vague on the details
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Post by The Legionnaire Sat Nov 22, 2008 7:44 am

I really enjoyed that Inquisitor Lord. I've spent most of the morning making a revised copy you may or may not want to use Smile. If you need any help with spelling or grammar just ask Smile.

Theres the revised version.

The Story



As the three moons rose Soullarus stood looking at the tall gothic buildings, while on the streets people and androids bustle doing their day to day tasks in his good name. He'd turned up here by appointment; for a message was given to the leader of his tribe. He had been selected to become one of mans finest warriors, but even through the noise and the thoughts of the oncoming task on his mind, Soullarus didn’t even sweat or smile not even grimace at the tasks that lay before him. For he knew that if the great one wills it, he will one day be one of the great protectors of men, he had been told story’s of as a child. To become one of the finest, a Grey Knight.

Soullarus was confused within the crowd, for he was from was a thick jungle world. Hot and humid, where the sweat of his brow would evaporate without any notice and the cold breeze would cool his face when he reached any clearings. His senses were alive, like a hunter with all the smells of burnt oil and the noise of man and machine. He closed his eyes for a few moments and thought of his father. The moments when he took him on his first hunt, for the planet he was from was not only known for its thick jungle, but for its high level of Predators that walked the planet. He remembered the time of his first kill.

“No son like this."
“Yes father.”
Soullarus was young a small boy letting his father adjust his grip on the long weapon before throwing it like a speeding arrow from a bow straight through the animals head.
“Good son that is a fine arm you have it will serve you well.”
“I hope it will be has fine as yours father.”
“I’m sure it will be now let us see you kill and remember you have taken a life and must thank to the Forrest for its courage and strength.”
The two figures headed towards the large animal, it was two times the size of the small boy with long teeth a horn with brown skin and a thick body.
“Now son you must carry the weight of the dead back as atonement for the killing and a thanks to the Forrest.”
“Yes father.”

Even as a boy he crawled under the base of the animal and with shaking legs stood up right having to carry the weight of his kill on his own. That was the way of this tribe to make the children grow to warriors, to provide but mainly to survive on the dangerous world of Takcron. He opened his eyes and focused, a data slate with a schematic shining at him of the city guiding him through the maze of men and machines in his hand. As he walked he could feel a pressure at the back of his head, his hunter like training telling him, warning him that eyes were upon him. Staring at him like one of the predators that had not eaten for days and, as if its energy was pushing through the crowd and letting Soullarus know that he was being watched. But then a small voice came to Soullarus his eyes focused on a small half human half robot figure and through its small voice box hung round its neck.

“Follow me please sir.”
It's hand gestured. The hand was connected to a long and metal arm with small servos pulling it straight and steady and started to move that same way. Soullarus was surprised at this small creature and stepped back realizing it was no threat. If the creature did attack then he would have leapt in the air behind and ripped this strange creature's head off before it had a chance to raise a arm. Se nodded in acknowledgement and followed. Buildings passed by tall reaching for the sky, the spires gothic and old, piercing the moons above. The servitor was heading towards two large doors in the distance, small servos helping it along the cobbled roads, it was not the most graceful of movements unlike Soullarus who’s cat like prows gave him a almost gliding affect each step full of purpose. His pose was loaded for a explosion of power and speed that could have matched even one of the legendary Space Marines he had heard so many stories of. Soullarus was very tall not much shorter than a Space Marine standing 8 feet tall and could see over the top of all the things around him. He had broad shoulders, again much larger and nearly two widths of a normal mans. The veins pumping in his arms were easily seen but even through his large presence he had a sleek look about him and very step was full og grace. Soullarus stopped at the two great doors large ‘I’ symbols on each in gold and brass inlaid on the wooden doors. Soullarus looked at these strange 'I' symbols and remembered seeing the same thing on a red circular stamp on the message he was given before being brought to this world, but even though he was far from his world he found himself at ease. He examined the mighty doors up and down looking very closely at them. Then walking towards the dim light inside he passed by them still taking in all the details on the doors, then his vision shifted and was greeted by large columns tall and thick each baring a champion of the Emperor and Inquisitors of old. Soullarus stood for a moment and stared at these men in absolute awe. He looked and flexed his muscles in his arm and felt almost like a child, as the size and power they portrayed made him almost obsolete in their presence. 'Who are these mighty looking warriors?' he thought. He grit his teeth and kept his head high, full of pride trying not to notice the figures that gazed at him larger than life. He strode towards a much smaller door. The servitor clicked.
“Please follow.” In a small quiet voice pointing through the door.
As he peered through Soullarus could see it was a dark old section of the building. Not clean and grand has the hall he had passed through. And Soullarus noticed the curve in the wall and the beginning of some steps down. He strained his eyes waiting for them to adjust to the dim light, he could here sparks and machines working but did not know what these strange noises were; some were the same has the great city above others new. The scent of incenses not oil like the rest of the city. He turned his eyes towards the servitor that was looking at him still pointing, emotionless and still. It's long robes and gray skin pale with no reflection from the light around, Soullarus bowed to the creature and touched it on the shoulder. He was surprised that it did not do anything and bowed again and touched it on the shoulder once more, this was the custom on his planet and how his people greeted and thanked. He snarled at the cold black eyes in disgust at this small thing that did not even move or acknowledge him back. His head then turned towards the light, blanking the ignorant thing that did not greet him back. He started to follow the steps down. As he walked there were new sights and sounds and he noticed some servitors working on something. But these were not the same has the one that guided him here, they still had the arms and the old gray skin but there were more parts to them, more wires and they were working on something. The energies crackling off it in a faint blue light. He realized that it was a weapon of some sort like the ones the guard's had that came to his village. Soullarus gazed for a while at these strange creatures working in silence; only the noise of the job in hand. Soullarus thought about this new world he had come to, all the other secrets it had to hide. On that very thought he proceeded to walk further down the spiraling steps. As it grew darker and darker and the boots from his home world were clanking against the adamantum steps. Soullarus started to struggle to see through the dim light and put his hands out to the sides to feel for the walls. As he got further on he could see a figure of a man, tall and broad clad in some polished silver Armour with scribes and seals all over it. He was standing much larger than he. Soullarus started picking out details in the dim light and noticed the gun mounted on the figures left arm the large staff with a glowing blade on his back, the blue optics of the helmet and a large red and white seal on the small shield on the figure's left shoulder.
“Halt.”
The tall silver warrior paused momentarily.
Sollarus strained his ears and could just make out.
“Inquisitor the subject has just arrived requesting further instructions."
Soullarus strained his ears and could hear a faint voice reply from the vox inside the helmet of the giant man in front of him.
“Proceed through the main door.” At that point the figure in almost a military like fashion moved to the side to allow Soullarus through the door. Sollarus took a deep breath and nodded. Soullarus was feeling curious at this point and for the first time in his life since he was a child he felt nervous. He didn't dare even think it as fear, he rubbed his fingers to feel his palm of his right hand and noticed they were clammy. At the same time he tried not to stare at the giant that just let him through the small door. Soullarus was now wondering if this figure was a man he had heard all the story’s about has a child but decided not to ask.

Inquisitor Lockren was watching this new man, he looked savage with his long dark hair and very sharp features. His eyes were sunk under heavy brows and a square jaw and head were mounted on a thick neck. Lockren moved away from the monitor and gestured to a servo skull to come over.
"Proceed with operation beta 12, and do not harm him even if he shows aggression. We do not wish to hurt our new guest."
And with that note of words the servo skulls thrusters fired and it hovered out of the room. Lockren turned back to the monitor and smiled at this figure whose look of amazement was almost amusing has it walked down the stone corridor and saw the servo skull he sent come into view on the screen. Lockren stood up straight. He was a tall figure himself but was much older and battle worn. He had a large book in one hand with a flowing red robe and golden armour which was typical of the Inquisition, it was well maintained even for a veteran of Lockren's standards. On his right side there was a very ornate sword which he now rested his hand on and proceeded out the room.
“Make sure the team is ready I want this to run smoothly.” Voxed Lockren.
A shallow reply came, “Yes inquisitor.”

Lockren was focused and stern. He was favored by the Ordo for recruitment.

- Copy right, Inquisitor Lord.


Just two bits that I couldn't really decipher and you make want to take a look at Inquisitor lord.

He opened his eyes and focused, a data slate with a schematic shining at him of the city guiding him through the maze of men and machines in his hand.

Buildings passed by tall reaching for the sky


It was a brilliant story and I really can't wait to read more. It's nice to have more writers around the forum. Especially when they're admins Smile.


Last edited by The Legionnaire on Sun Nov 23, 2008 4:01 am; edited 1 time in total
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Post by Constantine Sat Nov 22, 2008 4:22 pm

Nice start IL Very Happy

There are a couple of points that I would like to bring to you attention, but first I would like to say that the work is great and you are very brave putting your work up for review by us.

-I found myself unsure as to the nature of the world Soularus was from. You say it is a tribal forest world yet he is comfortable with the concepts of performing tasks in "his great name" (the Emperor, I assume?). This needs to be addressed.

- Also, if Soularus is from a feral world why is he not freaking out about travelling to a different planet? He also seems to be confident in using technology, and has no problem with being in a city,or seeing a half man half machine (servitors)which would kinda freak me out Shocked

-I think I would like to see some more background about his homeworld to clear up these discrepencies, a little more excitement surrounding Soularus' kill with his father might help to, as it is he was standing in the forest with his dad and just killed the thing. I think it should be more than target practice.

-I am unsure as to who brought him to the planet and why they didn't take him to the Inquisitor.

-I think there should also be more to becomming considered to be a GK than a complementary shuttle ticket. It should entail mystery and hardship affraid (IMHO).

So that's my 2 cents worth Very Happy Please except it for what it is, constructive critisism. As I said I think you are very brave doing this and I would struggle to write as well as you have.
I am excited to see what happens to Soularus next bounce
Keep up the great work.

I would also like to say that I am impressed with all of my brothers enthusiasm to help!!!
Constantine
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Post by Inquisitor Lord Sat Nov 22, 2008 4:31 pm

becuse one day it may be you brothers holding these very words in your hands and i would like to make sure it is all you expext from a book writen about the grey knights
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Post by Constantine Sat Nov 22, 2008 5:00 pm

You have my word, that if you get publish I will buy your novel study
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Post by The Legionnaire Sun Nov 23, 2008 3:58 am

As will I, but you need to make sure there's a page dedicated the the members of this forum Very Happy
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Post by Klomster Mon Nov 24, 2008 4:17 pm

I would surely buy one.

it's just one problem though.

You haven't updated.

-"QUIT THAT LAZY ASS-SITTING OF YOURS, IT'S TIME TO WORK WORK WORK!!!! WHY HAVEN'T YOU MOVED, 1.2.1.2 HUT HUT HUT MOVE IT MOVE IT!!!!"

(Just some motivation)
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Post by Zealadin Mon Nov 24, 2008 5:59 pm

Haha
Yea lets hear some more Razz
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Post by Klomster Sun Nov 30, 2008 8:56 pm

Ey, inquisitor lord!

Wazzup ma homie, are you just realxin´ in tha hood?

WELL YOU ARE SUPPOSED TOO WRITE THAT BOOK OF YOURS, GET TO IT YOU LAZY GIT!!!!

(Motivation like this strenghtens the mind and makes you feel like people like you)
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Post by Inquisitor Lord Mon Dec 01, 2008 1:56 am

it dont write by it self lol im still writing and changeing things and stuff so does take soem time
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Post by Zealadin Mon Dec 01, 2008 3:11 am

Excuses of having a life are not going to be accepted!!!

/wip

Jokes Razz keep up the good work, we are all eager for the next little teaser.
BTW any movie offers for it yet Razz You can get us all parts Very Happy
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Post by Klomster Mon Dec 01, 2008 10:21 am

Hehe, yeah, i just thought you might have gone a little lazy.

But perhaps it's just your muse that is tired, give her a glass of sugar starch and you will have more interesting ideas coming than me and one of my friends a night on the local gaming club!

(And that's lots)

We just think this story is interesting and want to see more of it!
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Post by Zealadin Mon Dec 01, 2008 5:46 pm

Yea I have to say your inspiring me to write a eldar novel because the ones in existance are all so shit (that I've seen), but my natural laziness has 24d6 attacks (at str 6) and I'm only toughness 2, so its not coming along ... at all.

I'd write a GK novel but with all the lore nazi's i seem to run into I'd probably end up stabbed in the local GWS by some fanatical SM who doesn't beleive I portrayed the GKs right and who beleives they are just SM in silver armour (/loads the stormbolter).
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Post by Klomster Tue Dec 02, 2008 1:41 am

To be honest, i believe gk are in body, just space marines in silver armour BUT!!!
(Please don't hit me yet)

When it comes to the psyche and skill in combat, a gk is without equal!

Plus they have some nifty gear to help them out!
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