Istavaan III, Traitors and Brothers - Pre Heresy story
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Istavaan III, Traitors and Brothers - Pre Heresy story
Prologue
The Drop Pod Crashed to the ground, sending waves of sand and dust flying in all directions, The doors flew off, their explosive bolts propeling them away. Captain Loken stormed out of the opened door, The sound of his Cermite boots dulled as he stepped into the sand. The scanned his surroundings, He was in a low canyon, with steep rocks on each side. He lead Locosta squad up the steep slope, watching the surrounding area carefully for signs of the traitors. The country side was quiet. Captain Loken raised his bolter and crouched at the rim of the canyon, Suddenly a shot rang out from a string of rocks. The Las bolt slammed into the unarmoured head of a Brother Astartes, he fell to the ground as blood seeped from the wound. Garviel aimed his Bolter, and began firing backā¦
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Just the Prologue to a Pre Heresy Story i'm writing, Its based on the book series by Black Libary all about the Horus Heresy. Link: http://www.blacklibrary.com/productlist.asp?producttype=NULL&world=HH&stockstatus=In+stock&lettersort=NULL&disp=50&sortby=Releasedate+DESC&army=NULL
Last edited by Legion Of Light on Thu Feb 28, 2008 3:50 pm; edited 3 times in total
The Legionnaire- Head Archivist
- Number of posts : 491
Age : 30
Location : Bradford, Britain.
Army : DaemonHunters, Black Templars, Elysian Drop Troops, PH Death Guard (PIP)
Registration date : 2007-11-18
Re: Istavaan III, Traitors and Brothers - Pre Heresy story
OK, first off I'll say I like it.
I'll list the problems I see chronologically:
"...their explosive bolts causing them to propel themselves away"
Perhaps this could be changed to "...their explosive bolts propeling them away"? It's less clunky.
"Captain Loken stormed out of the now opened door"
Remove the 'now'.
Countryside is one word.
Lasgun discharge is in the form of Las-bolts, not bullets.
Unarmoured is one word.
Since "Brother Astartes" is refering to someone not by the monastic title of Brother, but rather as a 'brother', or 'fellow' Astartes, the word brother should be uncapitalised.
Looking good so far, and I look forward to seeing more.
Praexes
I'll list the problems I see chronologically:
"...their explosive bolts causing them to propel themselves away"
Perhaps this could be changed to "...their explosive bolts propeling them away"? It's less clunky.
"Captain Loken stormed out of the now opened door"
Remove the 'now'.
Countryside is one word.
Lasgun discharge is in the form of Las-bolts, not bullets.
Unarmoured is one word.
Since "Brother Astartes" is refering to someone not by the monastic title of Brother, but rather as a 'brother', or 'fellow' Astartes, the word brother should be uncapitalised.
Looking good so far, and I look forward to seeing more.
Praexes
Praexes Returned- Adeptus Moderatus
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Age : 35
Location : Holy Terra
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Registration date : 2008-02-27
Re: Istavaan III, Traitors and Brothers - Pre Heresy story
Ohhh. Man i've missed that sort of criticism. Thanks Praex, I've missed you.
- Also technically all Space Marine chapters are Brothers. As they are all decended from the same Gene-seed.
- Also technically all Space Marine chapters are Brothers. As they are all decended from the same Gene-seed.
The Legionnaire- Head Archivist
- Number of posts : 491
Age : 30
Location : Bradford, Britain.
Army : DaemonHunters, Black Templars, Elysian Drop Troops, PH Death Guard (PIP)
Registration date : 2007-11-18
Re: Istavaan III, Traitors and Brothers - Pre Heresy story
Exactly. But not monsatical brothers. It's not a title, but rather a classification/term of endearment.
Praexes Returned- Adeptus Moderatus
- Number of posts : 37
Age : 35
Location : Holy Terra
Army : Dark
Registration date : 2008-02-27
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