Silver Vengeance

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Silver Vengeance

Post by Liberian Martel on Tue Mar 03, 2015 6:18 am

Got a little bored today so wrote this little story, Hope you like it! even though its a tad crappy I wanted to share it with my fellow Brothers

Note: Inquisitor Mira is my Inquisitor Attache she in her twenties, She hails from Terra. she is known for her determination and Her fierce Loyalty to the Emperor, Brother Captain Aurllian is my Captain of the 8th, He wields a Nemesis Greatsword ( smaller version then a NDK counts as a Thunderhammer or Halberd in game)

Brother Captain Aurllian Stood inside the Teleport Chamber awaiting the perfect moment to strike, He watched through the Eyes of another. He saw a throne of fine Gold which atop sat a short man in fine clothes, The man looked Contempt, he was Fat, sweating. It would appear that he enjoyed Fine wines and Food rather then ruling the system he was charged with on Behalf of the Holy Emperor Of Mankind. The owner of the Eyes spoke " I am Inquisitor Mira of the Ordo Malleus you Governor have been judged Unfit for your duty's and are under suspicions of Heresy Surrender yourself " The Figure looked down at Inquisitor Mira as if noticing her for the first time the Governor laughed a deep chuckle He found the Inquisitor's Demand truly Amusing, " You dare to demand ME to surrender yourself I am the Lord of this system, My word decides the Fate of Millions! you Are nothing Girl. I should Kill you. Inquisitor Mira Replied casually "I carry the Authority Of the Emperor OF mankind, My word is the Word of His Majesty. Surrender or face His Wrath." At that the Governor roared His face s contorting, revealing his true form. Brother Captain Aurillian Needed no command He knew it was time. reality flashed as he plunged into the warp a resounding BOOM clashed out as he appeared in the Throne room his arrival was so violent that every window in the throne room exploded outwards hurtling shrapnel down the palace walls destroying countless relics. His storm bolter was already raised towards the forming Daemon. Aurllian spoke his voice originated inside the heads of those present. His voice was like an encompassing Roar ++I name thou Daemon, by Order of the Golden throne I sentence thou to Death. Kneel before Judgement of the throne++ in that moment several things happened at once. The Psychic Feed back from Aurllian was so strong that each of the 333 guards in the room had their minds hemorrhage, the Daemon Screeched sensing His Defeat. And Aurllian fired, Psychic bolts screamed toward the tainted being ripping chunks off its tainted flesh. Aurllian charged the Daemon unleashing the true Fury of the Emperor, His Stormbolter Clicked empty. He gripped His blessed Nemesis blade sending his full Psychic might through the Sacred blade, He reached the Deamon his blade swung outwards the Emperors Judgement descending with the Blade. the Blade cut through the daemon's flesh. Psychic energy poured through the blade. when it was finished nothing Remained of the Deamon, not even ash. Its burning soul had been cast back to the warp never would it be strong enough to return as quickly as Aurllian had appeared he had vanished, like a Silver Angel fulfilling the Emperors Judgment. Inquisitor Mira turned her back on the Carnage and strode from the room, Her Duty completed.

Liberian Martel

Number of posts : 81
Age : 20
Location : Warp...
Army : Grey Knights 8th brotherhood/ Tau Empire
Registration date : 2012-10-07

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Re: Silver Vengeance

Post by Klomster on Tue Mar 03, 2015 10:08 pm

Not bad.

I noticed a few things.

There are a few spelling mistakes, like "then" instead of "than" early on. There are several of these.

A more pressing issue is the wall of text syndrome. Try to open up the text, more open areas.
You don't need to go as overboard as i go when i write (i like to keep it overly open, since i have a hard time reading continuous text.)
That will make you text more enjoyable to read.

And i got a pet peeve with this sentence.
"He reached the Deamon his blade swung outwards the Emperors Judgement descending with the Blade. the Blade cut through the daemon's flesh. Psychic energy poured through the blade."

The blade went in the direction of the blade so the blade formed a blade of energy etc etc.
Try to remove some of the word "blade" there are other ways to refer to it. And mixing it up keeps the reader interested, and it generally sounds better.

Read your story through one or more times, think of what i said, and feel enlightened.
You can try to update it, or simply learn for the future, either way works.

Otherwise the story is a nice splash flavor text. Shows your captain as a very no-nonsense fellow. And that an inquisitor with a teleport homer is no laughing matter Razz

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