PH Emperor's Children Army Fluff

Brothers, i have just finished my Army Fluff.

After the Final Bombing had commenced and the fires of Doomsday were flying through the air, Captain Saul Tarvitz former 1st Captain of the Emperor’s Children Legion, knew that he only had a few moments to get the remainder of his men, who had bravely defended the Presentors Palace from there former Brothers and Legions, to an underground secret hanger that he placed The Ancient Rylanor to guard during the siege of the Palace, with his troops which comprised of Astartes from The World Eaters, the Luna Wolves and The Emperor’s Children. With these Brave Marines he planned to get off Istvaan III and reform his Company and wage a War against his Traitorous Legion and Primarch, but before his plan can come to Fruition he would need to get off this Dead world alive. With the Blast Doors of the Hanger within site Tarvitz and his men could feel the ground tremble as the bombs were hitting the City and as the doors to the Hanger were closed, the Hanger was designed by Praal to withstand anything that the Imperium could unleash upon a world, the Bombs hit the Palace and leveled it, along with the rest of the Choral City. This once thriving planet became a barren waste land, In the Hanger Saul found exactly what he was looking for, which was a Thunderhawk kept in a prime condition and fully fueled and armed, but as he knew he couldn’t take on the armada of the Warmaster, he waited for the fleet to withdraw and await the swift retribution that the Emperor was sure to rain down upon Horus and his followers.
Just after about 3 months of waiting the first wave of the Iron Hands, Raven Guard and The Salamanders Legions arrived to destroy the Heresy before It started, and after they made Planet Fall on Istvaan V Vulkan sent out a contigent to investigate Istvaan III for Survivors and just as he had Hoped Saul and his men were able to make contact with the Salamanders and were allowed to be brought aboard one of Vulkan’s Ships, after Saul was aboard the Ship left for Terra to get an Audience with the Council of Terra so that he could seek the permission to have his men join the Emperor’s Children and Hunt Down his Fallen Primarch, and his traitorous Legion, and with the Permission granted Saul was given the Rank of Chapter Master and was also reunited with his Honour Brother, Battle Captain Garro, who was inducted into the Ordo Malleus as one of the First Grey Knight Space Marines, so that he would be able to fight the Battle against the foulness of the Warp.

With Garro, Saul and his company set out for over a millennia in search for his fallen Brothers with every encounter with them Saul has shown know restraint against them, and with a small contingent of The Inquisition he will be able to destroy all in his path to the retribution that His Former legion deserves.
After Fighting on more then a Million Worlds Saul has been able to acquire vehicles such as Land Raiders, Predators, Vindicators and Dreadnoughts. Saul was also awarded a Battle Barge Known has “The Emperor’s Wrath”, with this Battle barge Tarvitz has also acquired both Drop Pods and Tactical Dreadnought Armour.

Up to know Saul and his Company are still seeking to destroy any and all remnants of his former Legion, Saul has come so close to killing his former best friend on a few occasions, Lucius, but every time he comes close to killing Lucius, he always falters in the killing blow and Lucius is then able to escape.

Know The Emperor's Children has been able to gain more men and know numbers up to 500 strong.

I hope you Enjoyed Reading,

Tarvitz

Firstly I want to say a couple of things:

1) Write what you want to write there is no need to listen to anyone if you like what you write.

2) If you post your work please expect praise and critixcism.

3) I speak for myself and I am sure others that any comments made are intended to help you make your story better in the eyes of the suggester, never to slag off or take the piss out of your work or efforts.

Right with that out the way I would comment as follows:

Firstly I would get rid of the reuniting with the imperium, in fairness if any of the loyalist saw them they would shot first ask later. What I would suggest is have them hide in the bunker monitoring the fleet above when the fleet leave for Terra a ship or something is left behind as it is broken and needs repairs, nothing major maybe just a supply ship then you can go into detail about boarding and taking it. They plan to return to Terra before fleet but get their late and get fired upon by both parties so now they are on the run from Imperium trying to prove their loyalty to the Emperor for when they die and restore honour by killing the traitors.

The supply ship could provide them with land raiders and stuff.

Secondly I would not keep them name as Emperors Children, the name I used for my chapter I based on the Emperors Children was Emperors Chosen and I think this could work for you as they were in their eyes chosen by the Emperor to survive, or have the 3 groups go their seperate ways and just keep Emperors Chosen.

Please note I am not saying I dont like what you have done but it is just the fact that they would be shot before they could say "hold on we are not traitors" means they would never be allowed back into the fold of the imperium.

The one thing I learnt when writing was I kept falling into the trap of and I am not saying you are doing this but loads of people do, my chapter is the best most loyal coolest and all pro but no cons but remember all heroes have a weakness, and the same goes for chapters they need a negative or it is not real, here I think the neagative could be that everyone hates them and they are not accepted by good or evil so end up fighting both, also and again I did this you dont have to fit all your ideas into one chapter they dont always fit.

You can really go to town and have them finding loyalists that broke away or ran from their chapter and have traits that the spend hours cleaning their armour and praying to show their loyalty.

Up to know Saul and his Company are still seeking to destroy any and all remnants of his former Legion, Saul has come so close to killing his former best friend on a few occasions, Lucius, but every time he comes close to killing Lucius, he always falters in the killing blow and Lucius is then able to escape.

I really like this bit it has the whole hero has a downside a weakness and thats when push comes to shove he can't kill Lucius.

I hope this helps.

Brother Spartan, that helps a lot, thank you for the input and the only thing i would like is that they retain there Honour with Staying with the Name of The Emperor's Children. The Supply Ship was a good idea, and sorry but would you mine if would use it?

Tarvitz

Dude you can use as much or as little as you like of my suggestions, I put them there for you to use.

Glad some of it helped if I think of anything else I will post it.

And look forward to see how it pans out.

Spartan wrote:The one thing I learnt when writing was I kept falling into the trap of and I am not saying you are doing this but loads of people do, my chapter is the best most loyal coolest and all pro but no cons but remember all heroes have a weakness, and the same goes for chapters they need a negative or it is not real.

So the Ultramarines aren't a real chapter! I knew it!

So the Ultramarines aren't a real chapter! I knew it!

ROFL!!!

Story is good (better then my tries for army fluff)
Stay writing and posting!

Threatomancy! This topic is dead for more then two years now. Please check the date of the last post before you reply to a topic. I think there is no need to reanimate all those long dead topics.

Im really sorry I didn't want to reanimate, I just wanted to compliment...