Back to writing my book here is a atster brother feed please

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Back to writing my book here is a atster brother feed please

Post by Inquisitor Lord on Wed Feb 06, 2013 6:17 am

This work (all contents)and all part there of lay out names any thing is only to be used by me and no one else and may not be alterd or refrenced to unless my concent is given
-Signed R Levy


The Story


As the three moons rose, Soullarus stood looking at the tall gothic buildings, while on the streets people and androids bustle doing their day to day tasks in his good name the emperor of man. He'd turned up here by appointment; for a message was given to the leader of his tribe back on his home world. He had been selected to become one of mans finest warriors, but even through the noise and the thoughts of the oncoming tasks weighed heavy on his mind, Soullarus didn’t even sweat or smile not even grimace at the tasks that lay before him. For he knew that if the great one wills it, he will one day be one of the great protectors of men that he had been told many stories of as a child. To become one of the finest, a Grey Knight!

Soullarus was confused within the crowd, for he was from a world thick with jungle and giant man eating predators at every corner. Hot and humid, where the sweat of his brow would evaporate without any notice and the cold breeze would cool his face when he reached any clearings, his senses were alive, like a hunter with all the smells of burnt oil and the noise of man and machine. He closed his eyes for a few moments and thought of his father crept into his mind. The moments when he took him on his first hunt, for the planet he was from was not only known for its thick jungle, with its tall trees and dense vegetation to Predators that walked the planet’s surface and swam in its seas and swamps, from the small snake like creatures that can kill a man within seconds to the most dangerous, a large shadow beast, black as the night with its large long teeth and skulking yellow eyes with muscles so large and full of power that the skin looks as though it was painted on and about to tear. Even though its size would normally shake the ground its skill made it move like a whisper in the wind. At the thought of this creature he began to remember the time of his first kill to become a man.

“No son like this."
His father whispering from the bush showing him one last time the best place to place your hands on a spear
“Yes father.”
Soullarus was young a boy letting his father adjust his grip on the long weapon before throwing it like a speeding arrow from a bow straight through the animals head. They had been tracking this creature in silence for days for this was the kahum test the hunt to become a man and the moment had come for the young boy to prove himself the battle had been hard and most die during this encounter. The creature had charged and leapt and swiped a few times at the young boy but his martial skills and his spear kept him safe, for he had been trained from the day he could walk and even though he was only 8 years of age he was already the size and build of strong grown man, his chest heaving for air as it was hot and thick in the jungle. Then came the moment, his hands worn and tired, his feet planted, eyes locked with the massive creature as it prowled forwards and back then a charge like a bullet it came the young boy thrust and drove the spear deep between the creatures eyes, through its skull the shaft did not bend and the point like a razor blade cut straight through, no scream of pain from the creature and no sound of effort from the boy just silence and a tranquility that could only be found in a place such as this. The boy began to remember the fight till his chain of thought was broken by his father’s voice
“Good son that is a fine arm you have it will serve you well.”
“I hope it will be as fine as yours father.”
“I’m sure it will be now let us see your kill, and remember you have taken a life and must thank to the Forrest for its courage and strength for you are a man now my son but we must also be humble with our skill and respect the universe, nature, and the power of the emperor for giving us the skills and the knowledge we have”
The two figures headed towards the large animal, it was three times the size of the small boy with long teeth and spikes all down its back piercing its black skin and thick body.
“Now son you must carry the weight of the dead back, as atonement for the killing and thanks to the Forrest, I will leave you now and meet you back at the village, keep your wits about you for others who do not give thanks may try and take your kill”
“Yes father I shall”

Even as a boy he had a larger than life stature, he crawled under the base of the animal and with shaking legs stood up right, his powerful form supporting most of the creature, with only its tail and the tips of its back legs dragging on the floor.
That was the way of this tribe to make the children grow to warriors, to provide but mainly to survive on the dangerous world of Takcron. He had shown promise as a boy and was larger than the other children he played with, but one thing which had caught the attention of the elders and had been the catalyst for his journey to the planet, he had shown he had psychic powers which was not a rare occurrence in his tribe but it was not commonplace also.
He opened his eyes and focused on a data slate in his hand, with a schematic of the city shining at him, guiding him through the maze of men and machine. As he walked he could feel a pressure at the back of his head, his hunter like training telling him, warning him that eyes were upon him, staring at him like one of the predators that had not eaten for days and, as if its energy was pushing through the crowd and letting Soullarus know that he was being watched. Then a small voice came to Soullarus and his concentration was broken, his eyes focused on a small half human half robot figure, and through its small voice box hung round its neck it spoke in a robotic tone…
“Follow me please sir”
A hand pointed in a direction connected to a long metal arm, with small servo’s pulling it straight and holding it steady, and the small figure started to move the same way. Soullarus looked a bit surprised at this small creature and stepped back as though to be ready to defend himself, there was a brief pause, and realizing to himself it was no threat he thought if the strange creature he was looking at did attack that he would have leapt in the air behind and ripped this unusual creatures head off before it had a chance to raise an arm, he nodded in acknowledgement and began to follow the small being that was part man part machine. Buildings passed by tall reaching for the sky, the spires gothic and old, piercing the three bright red moons above. The servitor was heading towards two large doors in the distance, small servo’s helping it along the cobbled roads but not the most graceful of movements unlike Soullarus, who’s cat like prows gave him an almost gliding affect, each step with purpose, but loaded for an explosion of power and speed that almost matched one of the legendary space marines he had heard so many stories of. Soullarus was very tall, not much shorter than a space marine standing 8 feet, he could see over the top of all the things around him, his shoulders were broad, again much larger and nearly two widths of a normal man. Veins pumping in his arms were easily seen, but even though he had a great presence, he had a sleek look about him and very graceful movement, which helped him blend into the crowd who were so busy with their prayers and day to day tasks they would not have noticed his great form pass them by.
Soullarus stopped at the two great doors, large I symbols on each in gold and brass inlaid on the wooden doors, Soullarus looked at these strange I symbols and remembered seeing the same thing on a red circular stamp on the message he was given before being brought to this world, but also remembered seeing a man speaking to his elders with a book buckled with a large I symbol mounted on the front.
Even though he was far from his world he found himself at ease, almost feeling like he belonged, he took one last glance behind himself then turned back facing the doors. Glaring he looked the mighty doors up and down. He took a closer look at them, from the small details of gold inlaid, to the great I symbols mounted high above. He began walking towards the dim light inside, still taking in the details of this impressive architecture as he passed them by, then suddenly his vision shifted and was greeted by large columns, tall and thick, each baring a champion of the emperor and inquisitors of old. Soullarus stood for a moment and stared at these men in absolute awe feeling as though every eye was upon him watching his every move following him with every step. He looked at his arm and flexed his muscles, he briefly felt like a child again, as the size and power they portrayed made him feel almost obsolete in their presence, who are these mighty looking warriors he thought and grit his teeth keeping his head high, full of pride trying not to notice the figures that gazed at him larger than life. He strode towards a much smaller door feeling as though their eyes were still watching him. The servitor clicked his sharp toned electronic voice saying
“Please follow” pointing through the door.
As he peered through, Soullarus could see it was a dark old section of the building, not as clean and grand as the hall he was just presented with. Soullarus noticed the curve in the wall and the beginning of some steps heading downwards, worn and old. He strained his eyes waiting for them to adjust to the dim light, he could hear sparks and machines working but did not know what these strange noises were, some were the same as the great city above, others new. The scent of incenses filled the stairwell unlike the oil smell in the rest of the city. He turned his eyes towards the servitor that was looking at him still pointing in the same direction showing no emotion it was still, its long red robes, and grey skin pale with no reflection from the light around. Soullarus bowed to the creature and touched it on the shoulder he was surprised that it did not do anything and bowed again, touching it on the shoulder once more this was the custom on his planet and how his people greeted and thanked, he snarled at the cold black eyes in disgust, as this small thing did not even move or acknowledge him back. His head then turned towards the light blanking the ignorant thing that did not greet him back, he started to follow the steps down. As he walked there were new sights and sounds, he noticed some servitors working on something but these were not the same as the one that guided him to this place, some still had the metal arms and the old grey skin, but there were more parts to them, more wires and they were working on something, the energies crackling from the object in a faint blue light. Soullarus strained his eyes to figure out what this object was and realized that it was a weapon of some sort, like the ones the guards held that had come to his village. Soullarus gazed for a while at these strange creatures working in silence he could hear only the noise of the job in hand, at that point Soullarus thought to himself about this new world he had come to and what other secrets it has to hide, on that very thought he proceeded to walk further down the spiraling steps.
As the light began to dim it grew darker and darker, the boots from his home world were clanking against the adamantum steps. Soullarus started to struggle to see through the dim light and started to put a hand out to the sides. As he got further on he could see a figure of a man , tall and broad clad in some polished silver armour with scribes and seals all over it he was standing much larger than Soullarus. He started picking out details in the dim light and noticed the gun mounted on the figures left arm, the large Pole arm with a glowing blade on his back, he saw the blue optics of his helmet, and a large red and white seal on a small shield on the figures left shoulder.
“Halt !”
“Inquisitor the subject has just arrived requesting further instructions"
Soullarus strained his ears, he could hear a faint voice from the vox inside the helmet of the giant man in front of him.
“Proceed through the main door and touch nothing” At that point the figure, in an almost military like fashion moved to the side to allow Soullarus through the door. He took a deep breath and nodded in agreement, Soullarus was feeling curious at this point and for the first time in his life since he was a child he felt nervous, or could he dare even think it, afraid!? He rubbed his fingers to feel the palm of his right hand, he noticed they were clammy but at the same time he tried not to stare at the giant that just let him through the small door. Soullarus was now wondering if this figure was a man he had heard all the stories about as a child, but at that point he thought to himself that he better not dare ask.
Inquisitor Lockren was watching this new man, almost savage with his long dark hair and very sharp features, his eyes were sunk under heavy brows and a chiseled square jaw, his head was mounted on a thick neck. Lockren moved away from the monitor and gestured to a servo skull to come over.
The servo skull was a small skull, with a mounted optical lense deep in its left socket, and a mixture of wires and hoses bunched together down an old metallic spine that had been constructed and attached with precision to its skull. Its hovering ability was due to a small anti gravitational unit mounted next to its processing chamber deep inside its cranium.
“Proceed with operation beta 12, do not harm him even if he shows aggression, we do not wish to hurt our new guest”
“Yes, Inquisitor ”
And with those words the servo skulls thrusters fired and it hovered out of the room. Lockren turned back to the monitor and smiled at this figure whose look of amazement was almost amusing as it walked down the stone corridor, and saw the servo skull he sent come into view on the screen. Lockren stood up straight he was a tall figure himself but he was much older and battle worn, he had a large book in one hand with flowing red robes and golden armour which was typical of the Inquisition, it was well maintained even for a veteran of Lockrens standards, on his right side there was a very ornate sword which he now rested his right hand on and proceeded out the room.
“Make sure the team is ready I want this to run smoothly”
Voxed Lockren a voice replied back.
“Yes, Inquisitor”
Lockren was focused and stern and was favored by the Ordo for recruitment, for his extreme high standards and harsh training regime that far exceeded the rest, which enforced his reputation amongst his peers.


Last edited by Inquisitor Lord on Wed Feb 06, 2013 6:18 am; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Back to writing my book here is a atster brother feed please

Post by Inquisitor Lord on Wed Feb 06, 2013 6:17 am

hope you enjoyed the first part brothers and i look forward to feedback ect thank you for reading

_________________
[i]We are the warriors of the grey knights, armoured in faith, shielded by devotion and armed with purity and purpose. But greater even than these, we carry the light of the divine emperor of man into thedark places to purge the daemonic wherever it my be found

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Re: Back to writing my book here is a atster brother feed please

Post by Constantine on Fri Feb 08, 2013 2:33 pm

Nice read IL.

I have the following feedback for you:

- I am not comfortable that this man sized 8 year old knows who the Grey Knights are. We are an order shrouded in secrecy, and myth. Our existence is not common knowledge.

- Current fluff on GK states that to even lay eyes on a GK can mean death to not only individuals but entire populations or even worlds, so that the true nature of the war/foe the GKs fight is not known. I draw on information from the latest GK novel involving Armageddon and the interactions with the Space Wolves of evidence of this.

- Is it not the Black ships of the Inquisition that provide us with our psychically talented recruits? Why is this young man being recruited? What is special about him? And are recruits aware that they are going to be Grey Knights and undergo the 666 trials?

- My biggest concern, and one that requires IMMEDIATE attention is that the description of the GKs armour is not correct. It should read Black armour with silver gauntlets Wink

I hope that my constructive criticism is what you were looking for. If not just ignore me, I don't know what I'm talking about Wink Razz

_________________
+++"There is nothing in the arcane and blasphemous arsenal of the forces of Chaos that can compare to faith. With the power of faith, our weapons become shining instruments of deliverance that can cleave the mightiest daemon in twain. With the power of faith, our minds appear as slivers of pure agony to the daemon, driving into the wretched forms of those who would dare stand before us. With the power of faith, our words become commands that cause the daemon to cower and cringe in terror. I could meet my enemies unarmed without a shred of fear in my chest, for I know that the Emperor watches over me and guides my hand. So let them come. We shall show them what the power of faith can do."+++ (Brother Captain Stern)

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Re: Back to writing my book here is a atster brother feed please

Post by Rivan on Fri Feb 08, 2013 8:41 pm

Enjoyable narrative IL. I concur w/ Constantine about knowledge of the Grey Knights. My suggestion is to edit the story line so that Soullarus doesn't know why he's there. Adds to the mystery right?

Also, I can offer my services as an editor if you like. I'm a Naval Admin Officer and majority of my work involves editing and QAing correspondence and paperwork for Commanders, Captains and Admirals Smile

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"Though we face the power of hell, and death is at our side, we fear not, for the Emperor is with us through it all. If we live, we live for the Emperor. If we die, we die for the Emperor. So whether we live or die, we are the Emperor's. We are Grey Knights and this is why we came to be." --Grandmaster Rivan

"It is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles; if you do not know your enemies but do know yourself, you will win one and lose one; if you do not know your enemies nor yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle." --Sun Tzu (from ancient Earth)

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Re: Back to writing my book here is a atster brother feed please

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