Istavaan III, Traitors and Brothers - Pre Heresy story

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Istavaan III, Traitors and Brothers - Pre Heresy story

Post by The Legionnaire on Thu Feb 28, 2008 3:34 pm

Prologue


The Drop Pod Crashed to the ground, sending waves of sand and dust flying in all directions, The doors flew off, their explosive bolts propeling them away. Captain Loken stormed out of the opened door, The sound of his Cermite boots dulled as he stepped into the sand. The scanned his surroundings, He was in a low canyon, with steep rocks on each side. He lead Locosta squad up the steep slope, watching the surrounding area carefully for signs of the traitors. The country side was quiet. Captain Loken raised his bolter and crouched at the rim of the canyon, Suddenly a shot rang out from a string of rocks. The Las bolt slammed into the unarmoured head of a Brother Astartes, he fell to the ground as blood seeped from the wound. Garviel aimed his Bolter, and began firing backů


________________________________________________________________________

Just the Prologue to a Pre Heresy Story i'm writing, Its based on the book series by Black Libary all about the Horus Heresy. Link: http://www.blacklibrary.com/productlist.asp?producttype=NULL&world=HH&stockstatus=In+stock&lettersort=NULL&disp=50&sortby=Releasedate+DESC&army=NULL


Last edited by Legion Of Light on Thu Feb 28, 2008 3:50 pm; edited 3 times in total

_________________
Hey hey everyone Smile - Andy

Visit the Archives for history and background on the Grey Knights, or to put up your own facts and fluff.
http://greyknights.forumotion.com/the-archives-c2/

The Legionnaire
Head Archivist
Head Archivist

Number of posts : 491
Age : 23
Location : Bradford, Britain.
Army : DaemonHunters, Black Templars, Elysian Drop Troops, PH Death Guard (PIP)
Registration date : 2007-11-18

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Istavaan III, Traitors and Brothers - Pre Heresy story

Post by Praexes Returned on Thu Feb 28, 2008 3:42 pm

OK, first off I'll say I like it.

I'll list the problems I see chronologically:

"...their explosive bolts causing them to propel themselves away"

Perhaps this could be changed to "...their explosive bolts propeling them away"? It's less clunky.

"Captain Loken stormed out of the now opened door"

Remove the 'now'.

Countryside is one word.

Lasgun discharge is in the form of Las-bolts, not bullets.

Unarmoured is one word.

Since "Brother Astartes" is refering to someone not by the monastic title of Brother, but rather as a 'brother', or 'fellow' Astartes, the word brother should be uncapitalised.


Looking good so far, and I look forward to seeing more.


Praexes

Praexes Returned
Adeptus Moderatus
Adeptus Moderatus

Number of posts : 37
Age : 27
Location : Holy Terra
Army : Dark
Registration date : 2008-02-27

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Istavaan III, Traitors and Brothers - Pre Heresy story

Post by The Legionnaire on Thu Feb 28, 2008 3:47 pm

Ohhh. Man i've missed that sort of criticism. Very Happy Thanks Praex, I've missed you. Smile

- Also technically all Space Marine chapters are Brothers. As they are all decended from the same Gene-seed.

_________________
Hey hey everyone Smile - Andy

Visit the Archives for history and background on the Grey Knights, or to put up your own facts and fluff.
http://greyknights.forumotion.com/the-archives-c2/

The Legionnaire
Head Archivist
Head Archivist

Number of posts : 491
Age : 23
Location : Bradford, Britain.
Army : DaemonHunters, Black Templars, Elysian Drop Troops, PH Death Guard (PIP)
Registration date : 2007-11-18

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Istavaan III, Traitors and Brothers - Pre Heresy story

Post by Praexes Returned on Thu Feb 28, 2008 3:59 pm

Exactly. But not monsatical brothers. It's not a title, but rather a classification/term of endearment.

Praexes Returned
Adeptus Moderatus
Adeptus Moderatus

Number of posts : 37
Age : 27
Location : Holy Terra
Army : Dark
Registration date : 2008-02-27

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Istavaan III, Traitors and Brothers - Pre Heresy story

Post by Sponsored content Today at 6:39 am


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum