Istavaan III, Traitors and Brothers - Pre Heresy story

Prologue

The Drop Pod Crashed to the ground, sending waves of sand and dust flying in all directions, The doors flew off, their explosive bolts propeling them away. Captain Loken stormed out of the opened door, The sound of his Cermite boots dulled as he stepped into the sand. The scanned his surroundings, He was in a low canyon, with steep rocks on each side. He lead Locosta squad up the steep slope, watching the surrounding area carefully for signs of the traitors. The country side was quiet. Captain Loken raised his bolter and crouched at the rim of the canyon, Suddenly a shot rang out from a string of rocks. The Las bolt slammed into the unarmoured head of a Brother Astartes, he fell to the ground as blood seeped from the wound. Garviel aimed his Bolter, and began firing back…


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Just the Prologue to a Pre Heresy Story i'm writing, Its based on the book series by Black Libary all about the Horus Heresy. Link: http://www.blacklibrary.com/productlist.asp?producttype=NULL&world=HH&stockstatus=In+stock&lettersort=NULL&disp=50&sortby=Releasedate+DESC&army=NULL

OK, first off I'll say I like it.

I'll list the problems I see chronologically:

"...their explosive bolts causing them to propel themselves away"

Perhaps this could be changed to "...their explosive bolts propeling them away"? It's less clunky.

"Captain Loken stormed out of the now opened door"

Remove the 'now'.

Countryside is one word.

Lasgun discharge is in the form of Las-bolts, not bullets.

Unarmoured is one word.

Since "Brother Astartes" is refering to someone not by the monastic title of Brother, but rather as a 'brother', or 'fellow' Astartes, the word brother should be uncapitalised.


Looking good so far, and I look forward to seeing more.


Praexes

Ohhh. Man i've missed that sort of criticism. Thanks Praex, I've missed you.

- Also technically all Space Marine chapters are Brothers. As they are all decended from the same Gene-seed.

Exactly. But not monsatical brothers. It's not a title, but rather a classification/term of endearment.